


North by Northeast

by ProseApothecary



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Cards Against Humanity, F/M, Fluff, M/M, who knew those concepts could coexist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 01:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19189417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProseApothecary/pseuds/ProseApothecary
Summary: It's time for Games Night 3.0...





	North by Northeast

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this way back when Stevie/Emir was a thing and never got around to posting it. I don't particularly ship them but I do ship David/teasing Stevie about every relationship she gets into, and motel reviewing is a well for corny jokes, so here we are.
> 
> Also: All the CAH cards mentioned are from the free online printout. (Can you tell I'm cheap?)

 Stevie takes a shot. “I’m very excited for us to crush Patrick in a game.”

“What? I’m going to win.”

“Uh-uh,” says David. “You lack the killer instinct.”

“You have the killer instinct? _You_? Is there a rom-com you haven’t cried at?”

“High School Musical,” says David triumphantly.

“Nope,” says Patrick. “remember when Ryan and Sharpay were ‘robbed of their rightful victory’?”

David thinks back. ”Fuck. Regardless. You’re too nice. Except with me, to whom you are horrible.”

Patrick rolls his eyes.

 

“What will always get you laid?” reads out Stevie. She turns over the responses and makes a face. “’Hot cheese’ or ‘Jewish fraternities’.”

Patrick gives David a Look.

“Well, both of these seem _very_ specific to you, and, honestly, give me way more insight into your lives than I needed or wanted, so I’m just going to give it to whoever remembers my birthday.”

“March 16th,” says Patrick.

“June…12th,” says David.

Stevie silently slides the card to Patrick. “Your go.”

 

“A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to-“

David immediately puts down a card. Stevie takes a minute.

Patrick turns over the responses.

“’Self-loathing’ or ‘Passive-aggressive Post-it notes’. For the record, David, asking you to finish off inventory is not passive-aggressive. I mean, this isn’t a phrase I was hoping to say today but…Self-loathing wins?”

“Always does,” says Stevie cheerily. “David’s go.”

 

“What am I giving up for Lent?”

He turns over the responses. “’German dungeon porn’. Or ‘Powerful thighs’.” He looks at Patrick. “You’re not allowed to give up powerful thighs for Lent.”

Patrick smiles at him.

Stevie silently hands him a card reading ‘Dry heaving’.

“Apparently we’ve offended the delicate sensibilities of German dungeon porn over here.”

“Listen,” says Stevie, “my only other viable card was ‘Being a dick to children’, and I am _not_ giving that up for Lent.”

“I mean, who would?” asks David.

 

30 minutes and several glasses of wine later, they count up the points.

David stares at the cards. “Patrick _cannot_ have won.”

Patrick puts a hand on David’s shoulder. “I need to hear you say ‘Patrick, you have a killer instinct.’”

“We’ve corrupted him,” David says. “It’s the only explanation.”

Stevie shrugs. “I mean, well done us? If I knew I had enough charisma to corrupt people, definitely would’ve used this power sooner.”

“Ooh,” says David, “are you going to use it on Emir?”

Stevie smiles at him. “Yeah, I think I’m going to get him to murder this one specific friend of mine.”

“Murdering Patrick just because he beat you at cards? You’re such a sore loser, Stevie.”

“I think we both know I didn’t mean Patrick.”

David glides straight past that. “Dating a hotel reviewer, what’s that like? Has he given your mattress a rating? Did he deduct points because you haven’t washed your sheets in six months, or…?”

“He gave my friends a two out of five, so, that’s disappointing.”

“Unlikely,” says David. “He spends his workday looking out for class, sophistication and hygiene. I’d be like, hotel critic crack.”

“Except they also look for personable customer service. Punctual delivery of services. That kind of thing,” Patrick chimes in.

Stevie grins at David. “You regretting corrupting Patrick?”

“Trust me,” says Patrick “neither of you are persuasive enough to corrupt anyone.”

“Like a newborn babe, left to the wolves,” Stevie says dramatically.

“Oh my God.”

Stevie gasps and makes a sign of the cross. “He’s even taking the Lord’s name in vain now.”

When David giggles into his red and almost ends up choking, Patrick thinks it might be time to take him home.

 

David leans against the wall as Patrick helps him unlace his shoes.

David puts his arms around Patrick’s neck as he stands. “Patrick. You don’t think I actually corrupted you, do you?”

“We’re still on this? Have I been an asshole lately or something?”

“No. I think you’re perfect.” He thinks for a second. “But then my moral compass doesn’t always point North, so who knows.”

“It points North pretty often. And you have my total and utter purity to keep you on the straight and narrow.”

David, a little too drunk to register sarcasm, nods thoughtfully. “So together we’re like…North-North East?”

Patrick smiles and presses a kiss to David’s shoulder, feeling a little pang of love.

“Sure. North-North East.”


End file.
